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[Dec. 21st, 2006|12:27 pm] |
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it doesn't feel like christmas |
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| my grandmother is dying |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|06:36 pm] |
these next few days will probably be her last on this earth. my mom asked me if i was going to the funeral. and if i had something to wear. i hate funerals. i haven't been to one since maybe 4 or 5 years ago when tad's mom died. and i wasn't even close to her or part of her family. i got to see her saturday. took a lot of pictures of her in the hospital. and that was probably the last time i'll see her alive and talking. she kept confusing me for other people, forgetting my name, asking me if i kept the baby, where my hubby was. but i didn't care. she had her nails painted and manicured. everything else was decaying and dying but her nails were done so pretty. i told her she looked pretty, and she told me i looked pretty too. i got choked up when the nurse came in because she started talking about how every day above the ground was a good day, even with all those tubes in her.
i saw so much love in that room. she was scared the doctors or nurses had it out for her and my dad said if anyone touched a single hair on that head of hers that he would take care of it. that one got me too.
i'm not doing this for sympathy. i am and always have been a firm believer that death is a part of the cycle of life. it happens. its very sad when it happens but you have to move on and be happy for what you still have.
this is going to be tough. i'll probably cry. a lot.
<3 |
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[Oct. 23rd, 2006|08:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | so very confused. | ] |
i've been in such a weird mood lately. besides the fact that i've been getting these waves of nostalgia running through my body every so often for the last three or four months, i've recently been getting these feelings like i've been punched in the chest. and its not a physical hurt like one from a scrape or bruise. its a hurt that just takes you over and i find myself just wanting to cry for no reason at all. i get a lump in my throat and i stare off into space. tell myself not to cry because its stupid and weak.
i don't really have a reason for feeling this way. money is really bad right now and it feels like i may never be stable enough to try it on my own, but i know my family won't let me go broke and homeless. things are a little better since i told the bakery i can't work until after school is done this semester. school is alright, and i've gotten over that rut about not being able to get self motivated, and if chris thomas accepts, i will be able to show him a pretty cohesive body of work at the end of the semester. if he accepts.
my brain seems to be working harder than it ever has. not on math problems or studying, but in relation to my heart, and they keep going back and forth about feeling and love and the past and the future. why does the territory of ex loves just make me so sick to my stomach? why can't the brain forget what the heart wants it to?
i feel strongly now that i am not able to sustain a relationship. i'm terrible at it. and its never them that changes or ruins it. its always me. i always seem to change who i am or what i want or how i feel about that person. tad, well i changed him as i was changing. changed him into a monster that i still don't even know and i don't think i will ever see or hear from the real tad ever again. tyler was the same manipulating, psycho the whole time, but i was blind to it at first. it was me that changed and started realizing it. i tried for a while to give it a second chance. for about a month or so after i left i tried. but i just have no attraction or desire for him anymore. i don't miss him. or anything we had. i just don't think he's the one for me. and honestly, i don't know if there is anyone out there that will stand up through all my mood swings and changes.
that being said, i really appreciate clay. i feel so undeserving of him. of something so pure and full of life. he doesn't judge me or make me feel stupid for the way that i feel. he doesn't question why i just get upset sometimes, and he doesn't try to change who i am. he calls me leslie, and not baby or angel. he doesn't think i'm fragile. but i can tell he really cares a lot about me. i just don't feel very hopeful about my future as far as i myself am concerned and he may be setting himself for heartache.
i'm not saying i'll intentionally hurt him or move on when i feel like it, or when things get tough, but i just don't have much faith in my ability to keep things going at the good level they are now. my brain gets in the way. my distorted ways of thinking make me start making up false situations and circumstances. and it drives me crazy until i feel the need to just run away. i'll obsess so much over something, that it interferes with my life and i can't just sit back and enjoy being with someone that cares about me. i have too many issues about past, about myself, about my body, about my life and my future, that i just can't function some days. and it makes me not be a very good friend because i get so wrapped up in it all and the days go by and nothing changes and i want so much to just think like a normal person, whatever that even is, or to at least convey to someone how i feel, for someone to understand me.
i think clay understands me. or wants to. enough to stick around for a while and give me a chance.
at what point does one become sane? and at what point does one know who they are and where they fit in this world?
i've just been so weird lately. and i think its every life experience building on top of each other. turning me into a crazy person. am i ruined?
i just want my heart and head to shut up for a second so i can get some peace. even for a minute. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
well, the summer is coming to a close. a LOT has happened to me over the course of these few months. a lot has changed for me, and it leaves me in a totally new comfort zone, that i am still trying to adjust to....i don't really know how my next year is going to play out.
i made a lot of new connections with people this summer and overall it was the happiest i've been in a really long time. i finally started living for me and doing things that made me happy. true, i may have pushed my parents back a little bit and i'm sorry for that, but i knew that once school started back i wouldn't be able to have this much fun with my whole posse of friends.
i actually hung out with people this summer. a lot. and it was really great. for once i felt like there wasa group of people that enjoyed being around me and that i could have a laid back time with. i moved back in with my parents, and i no longer live with tyler. which ...i'm still trying to deal with that whole change and moving on. but i know it has to happen. i just wasnt happy anymore. i never felt/feel like anything lasts forever. especially now. as happy and in love as you may be now....it will all eventually end. and you just have to move on. i think i've come to terms with that and that's why i feel its ok to just move on and not look back too much. its not that easy for some people.
ok...i'll stop randomly rambling....point is...this was one of the best summers of my life. my time with jesse, heather, alaina, and clay....and all my other good friends i've made...i just really feel like for once i don't need an unheathly relationship to lean back on to make me feel loved.
i don't know where im going with this.
summer's over. and i will really really miss it. its time for me to grow up a little bit and be a senior and graduate. *sigh*
until next time LJ land.
<3 |
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| is it just me... |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|07:05 am] |
or is davey havok looking more and more like a drag queen these days? maybe that's the new scene or metrosexual, but it just aint working for me.
only five more days of class. woo hoo
i wish i wasn't so sleepy all the time. and i wish life wasn't so expensive.
and i wish i could see my jenny more. and maybe my other friends too. but mostly jenny.
i want a puppy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|07:48 am] |
i want to start by saying i hate it when people like something just because it is trendy.
with that now said, i would like to also state that it is equally annoying if you refuse to like something....just because it is trendy.
if you like something, you like something.
and if you're gonna do that, pick one. don't go in between. not wanting to read a million little pieces because its too trendy, but being on myspace every second of ever hour that you are in front of a computer....is an annoying combination.
just a small rant. thank you that is all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|02:23 pm] |
promise me
if we both die violently
that the blood dripping from our chin
is a symphony
i wanna be with you forever.
know that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|12:02 pm] |
so i haven't been here in a while. i've been here to check and such, but not to leave any exciting news.
i went to a wake with tyler on saturday night. for a boy i didn't even know and maybe saw once. but never met. he drank a whole bottle of liquid morphine and choked on his own vomit. yeah, it might not be a glamorous way to go, or a very noteworthy way. but the fact of the matter is this kid died and his family could use all the support they could get. his mom smelled like a hippie. i hugged her even though i didn't know her. she stared at me and pushed my hair out of my face and kept saying over and over how pretty i was. it was weird. and awkward. but her squeeze was comforting. she was so calm. her dead son was laying next to her and all she could think about was this girl she had never met that was hugging her and telling her how pretty she was.
it was comforting
glamour shots is hiring again. all positions. i want to be reconsidered...but i'm chicken. i don't know what i'm scared of.
classes are going good. i feel kind of in a rut though. my routine is the same all the time. i just want to get out of it. its not productive, and i don't like it. i want to be busy and productive and successful.
ok. that's all.
see you later livejournal. |
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| triumphant return |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|08:47 pm] |
done correctly. now isn't that just spiffy
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| duh duh duh!!! |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|09:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | panic! | ] |
i figured i could update. aren't i thoughtful?
i worked a lot before christmas. with my job, everyone wants bread for christmas. so that meant lots of baking and shipping. but i handled and got quite a bit of loot out of the deal. which i proceeded to use in the buying of christmas presents for all my lovely lovelies....maybe a little too much was spent....but it made me happy to give so i don't care.
hopefully i'll be at addam's soon, at least for a little while. and we'll be back baking and i can continue to make money and move in with tyler or say around...the middle of febuary? sounds good.
i got to see my jen again. it was grrrreat! and i'm going to see her in a weeks time. yayayayay!! i <3 her a lot. it seeems like she's really the only one i can totally let loose and be absolutely retarded around. (it would scare poor tyler away)
a lot of things have happened, but its all stuff that those close to me know about and i'd feel a slite bit redundant if i went through all the details on my LJ.
in other news i'm hanging out with carly tomorrow. yayaay! and i got my lip done CORRECTLY on the other side, and i'll get a pic up tomorrow or something. its uber hot.
well, i guess that's all. what a wimpy update. but at least...its an update!
<3333333333333333333333333 |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|08:07 pm] |
i'm allergic to updates
i'll get some medicine soon and update for ya. |
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| a history |
[Nov. 27th, 2005|08:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | paramore | ] |
you know you're bored when you can't think of anything better to do with your time than to compose a photo timeline of yourself. and you know you're vain when that happens too.
so here it is =)
we'll start with 9th grade
i thought i was so hot in this pic.
10th grade. wow is the only thing that comes to mind with this one.
i mean, does anyone else find it odd that i look nothing like this anymore??
the times are jumbled and i'm not sure of the order, but here are random pics from the rest of highschool:
another pic i thought i was hot shit in.
you may be in disbelief...but yes that's me.
ha. my first attempt at being "dark". ha.
onto college years:
and now we have the past year of my life. in which my looks, continue to change and change:
and here we have today
 
ok...so that was the most ADD timeline ever. i got unbored about halfway through and wanted to quickly finish. but you get the idea....if there really even....is a point to all that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|06:42 am] |
sorry for the lack of updates lately folks. i've been busy times 2875035. and i won't be semi UNbusy until at least classes are over. that's dec 1st. fun.
anywho, to recap. worked 47 hours my first week of work, have busted my butt trying to stay caught up with projects, went to charlotte all last weekend to work, and will be going again on thursday. old people like nice restaurants. TOO much. and i'm too broke for that. SHEESH. people that may seem weird at first can actually turn out to be interesting and fun people. aaaaaaaaand me and tyler are gonna live together and its gonna be great. the cheapest place we can find is in burlington, which saves gas for many reasons, one being....that's 30minutes closer to my jenny :-D
ok. gotta get ready and brush my mouth |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|09:39 pm] |
i think too often in life people are lead to believe that if they cannot currently get along with someone then that means what they had never really was special or what they though it was.
confusing?
let me explain
i have had so many relationships with people that all of sudden, one day, just fizzled. no one can be sure the cause...or maybe it was just 39257 things piled into one. i never see these people anymore, or hardly, and i definately don't hang out with any of them anymore because it seems as though the connection we once had is gone.
but. i don't like that. i don't want my life to be like that.
lately i've been thinking a lot about what my wedding will be like, and who will be in it. and whenever i list off who i want to be bridesmaids and such, people around me are astonished that i would pick certain people considering i never even talk to them anymore.
but that's not the point.
i had relationships with these people. very close relationships. i opened up everything i was, and i really value what we had. i miss the good times with you. sitting around laughing our heads off at god knows what at 3AM. you cared for me like no other friend had before. it was so new to me, and yes, i'm guilty of not appreciating you for that. i see you these days, and hear your intoxicating laugh and i just wonder....why? why did things fizzle like they did? it was probably a combination of things. and we may never be able to be truly the way we were. "the couple". but that doesn't change the fact that you were a big part of my life. you are the reason i am who i am today. you taught me so much about myself. i think we taught each other a lot about the world.
and i want you to know that i don't hold anything against you, i don't have an unreasonable grudge, and i don't just ignore you. i feel awkward because things just aren't the same anymore. but i guess what i'm just trying to say, what i just want you to know is....i miss you. and i miss how things were with me and you, and i hate that this combination or things had made things the way they are now. and if i ever do get married....you'll be a fucking bridesmaid. and you're cute little sisters will be there too.
i love you girl. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|09:49 am] |
i got a job. its not freaking glamour shots. but they can kiss my butt. their portraits are cheesy and the manager had a lazy eye. HA. take that.
emery last night. it was kinda short, lame, and unexciting. the songs that i liked were good parts, but they didnt even do miss behavin! what the slut? and what is it with people just going retarded? and by retarded i mean....you could easily confuse them for someone having a violent seizure. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|09:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | whirring library....noises. | ] |
i've been back from ohio since sunday. back from greenville since monday. things are settling back done and things are starting to happen. my community service is done, TWO places of employment want to hire me, one being quite possibly the best opportunity ever, registration is in a week, christmas season is coming (i can smell it in the air) and i and truly happy.
money still stressed me out though. even when i get a job, i'll have to first pay off my credit card bill (i've already paid two off, just one left), then second, instead of saving up to move out/in with tyler, which was what i really wanted to do, i'm going to have to help mom with tuition. i could probably get half of it. but then and only then, after these things are complete can i even THINK about living with tyler. but i know we'll be alright. i'm so used to not spending any money now, because quite frankly i just don't have any, that i don't think i'll go crazy once i do get money. but it sucks because, since i'm the amazing shrinking woman (LOL...right...) that means all my clothes don't fit, which makes me anxious and frustrated...and i'll need new clothes. but wth what money? we may never know. i'll just have to make goodwill and carolina thrift my home.
me and jen got ink. i don't see why that's important to state because i'm sure the only ones that read this....already know about the ink...some were even there...some even...have then ink...jenny.
i'm dumb
tonight is date night with tyler. i'm excited. i love spending time with him, and i don't mind just sitting around cuddling and being totally retarded and goofy, but its nice to go out once in a while. and we're going to the comedy zone. which if you DIDN'T know....was where our first date was ^_^ comedy zone and carabba's and jake's. ahhhh, memories. i sure do love that kid. and its quite apparent that we both need each other.
someone donate money to the leslie wants to be a photographer but can't afford any of the equipment fund. thank you and goodnight :-D |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|12:43 am] |
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with jenny equals love.yes. and webacams. yah, |
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